Early on in my quest for truth, I was told that I am one with God, that I am God, that there is no difference between my Self and God. Somehow that wondrous news did not come as a great surprise. Deep in my heart I knew it had to be so. And yet the disparity between my experience and my idea of what it must be to truly be God seemed overwhelming. A willingness to take personal responsibility for everything that happens to me and a determination to align my every thought, word and deed with what God must think, thoughts of love, kindness and charity for all, have narrowed the gap considerably. But what helped most in bridging the gap was getting in touch with feelings of guilt associated with past actions for which I was punishing myself. I recognized this to be at the root of all my suffering, whether in the form of sickness, emotional distress or pain of any kind.
Now, whenever I start to feel symptoms of coming down with an illness or find myself in a tight spot, I acknowledge that these experiences are impossible because of who I am and ask for help in being restored to wholeness. Invariably a Divine power of healing enfolds me and the symptoms vanish or the trauma lifts. It is as though some unseen force hears my every plea. That is a miracle and I know God exists. I do not ask in my behalf alone, however, when I heal myself I participate in the healing of the whole world. In changing my mind about who I am, the world must change, for the world is but a projection of my mind. At the same time, in yearning for the healing of the whole world, I heal my mind. The two are inseparable, thus affect each other simultaneously.
As a holy, precious child of God you have limitless capacity. Tap your capacity now by daring to stretch your dreams to infinity. Dare to look deep within. You will discover that which is so vast it cannot ever be conveyed through mere words. When you step away from your self-made prison of guilt into the glorious sunlight of your Godliness, you will reconnect with your very Self. We were created to enhance each other’s innocence, purity and joy. What beauty, what glory, what majesty we all are and what a sacred destiny we share.
Are you willing to let yourself be Divine and perfect if that is indeed who you are? I believe you are that. I believe you as both judge and jury have sentenced yourself to littleness, when you are nothing short of grandeur. You have judged yourself wrongly, based on inconclusive evidence, because your self-appointed lawyer convinced you to plead guilty to crimes you never committed. You have been completely unfair in your verdict.
If your every experience is only by your choice and if you are not experiencing yourself as ever fuller, richer love, joy, peace, holiness and power, then you must have convinced yourself you deserve less than the very best. You must have judged yourself unworthy, slated to endure life’s hardships only to end in death. It is not true. All the evidence against you was fabricated. You are not guilty.
We have all been on trial for a very long time, in fact since the beginning of time. Perhaps you have grown so accustomed to your particular set of circumstances that you are not even aware that this is so. Ironically, it was you who brought your own case against yourself. It was you who accused yourself and condemned yourself for crimes you never committed. You thought you were guilty and to punish yourself you suffered pain, loss, deprivation, lack, loneliness and grief. You convinced yourself that you were limited, powerless, unworthy… born but to die.
You punished yourself needlessly. You are so holy, so pure, so innocent, so breathtakingly beautiful. You are equal with God in glory, splendor and majesty. There is no one more powerful, more worthy or more holy than you. You were created by God to walk the earth with your head held high, your spirits soaring. Self-imposed guilt alone has caused you to become frightened and so forget who you really are.
You, who are your own judge, jury and prosecutor, in a kangaroo court of your own devising, have judged and convicted yourself of trumped-up charges having nothing at all to do with the truth. And the tragedy is you agreed with the verdict. But now is the time to proclaim your innocence. Every charge leveled against you… by you… is false. God has not changed His mind about you. Your holiness has never been diminished or tarnished. You are still as God created you… innocent, perfect and pure.
This book is an invitation to have the charges against you dropped. Perhaps you can be persuaded that the evidence was inconclusive and that you have indeed judged yourself too harshly. Perhaps instead of accepting your guilty verdict, you can be persuaded to have the case appealed to the Supreme Court over which God has jurisdiction. He will lead you from the darkness of guilt and shame into the sunlight of your radiant innocence as created by Him, eternally unaffectable by any past, if you will let Him.
To begin with, you have to fire your defense attorney. Who has been your counsel? Who did you pick to represent you in this case against yourself? It was ego, hired at your choice. Undoubtedly, you had no idea that ego was determined to find you guilty from the beginning. Who in his right mind would choose a lawyer that was driven to prove him guilty? Yet that is exactly what you have done if you have suffered in any way.
Why does ego want you guilty? Ego’s survival depends on your guilt. Ego needs you guilty to live, thus you have found yourself guilty based on ego’s false, insubstantial, inconclusive evidence, which you believed. It was a trick, a sick joke you played on yourself. It was you who imposed upon yourself heavy consequences, none of which you deserved. It is time to ensure that ego’s attempts to rule you and lead you on yet another round of birth and death at its treacherous hand be undone.
All suffering is self-inflicted punishment for crimes that were never committed. What a pity. You convinced yourself that you were guilty when you were in fact innocent all along. Not only that, but then you forgot that you thought you were guilty and were mystified when disaster struck without rhyme or reason, at most inopportune moments and caught you completely off guard. Perhaps you blamed God or someone else or circumstances or somehow buried each incident without really uncovering the core problem. You haphazardly went on with your life on a hope and a prayer. How tenuous has been your lot. Do you ever really stop to look at it? Perhaps you can be convinced to fire ego and hire Spirit as your counsel. God has all the evidence to prove you innocent beyond a shadow of a doubt. The case against you will be dismissed on the spot.
We do not deserve to suffer. We suffer at our own hand and once we really understand this, we understand that we stop suffering when we wish to stop. Maybe you think your experience is perfect even though it is attended with suffering. Maybe you are not suffering personally and somehow the suffering of others does not pain your heart. Maybe you can still justify the “benefits” of suffering in your mind.
Maybe you justify your suffering by dissociating yourself from your body. You were told your body is not real and even if it suffers you are not suffering. Suffering also is not real, you were told. True, your body is not real and suffering is not real. However, conceptual understanding alone cannot help you. Denial or suppression of symptoms will not heal them. Once you truly know your body is not real, it cannot suffer. When you have understood the truth, neither you nor your body will ever suffer again.
Your only pain will be the agony of the suffering of others who erroneously think they deserve to suffer, age and die. You will then wish only to do everything within your power to end the suffering for all humanity. If you are content to justify your or your neighbor’s suffering in any way this book is not for you. This book is for those who have decided enough is enough. This book is for those who would like to gain the kingdom of heaven without having to suffer to get there. God does not suffer, except for the anguish of watching our needless suffering. What loving mother can bear her child’s pain? Do you think God gets some strange satisfaction out of our affliction?
Maybe you think I’m confused, that I have mistaken you for someone else and that it wasn’t you who pled guilty. But you are on death row aren’t you? Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day you are slated to die, aren’t you? Could it have happened without your admission of guilt? Otherwise someone else must have sentenced you to death. Who? God? Is it God’s will that you die? Does that really ring true in the depths of your being? Maybe it is time to stop complacently accepting sickness, suffering and death as the norm, even though they may be your experience and that of everyone around you. Maybe you deserve to live, to be supremely happy and to have a healthy, able body. Maybe you deserve to have everything you need plus perfect peace, eternal joy and all-embracing love just because of who you are.
Perhaps it is time to take a closer look at the evidence. Perhaps you will discover for yourself that it is insubstantial and inconclusive. You will only see that when you fire your self-serving lawyer and hire Spirit to act as your advocate. He is after the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He knows your innocence. He will have no difficulty getting the case against you dismissed. All your mistakes had no effect. You are as God created you, whole, perfect and sinless forever.
I have prayed for the end of suffering all my life. Anyone’s suffering, whatever form it takes, whoever they are or where ever they may be, is painful to me. It has become apparent that I must get to the root cause of suffering to end it. In my determination to know, really know, I have utilized the teachings of Sai Baba, my spiritual preceptor since 1981, as well as the teachings of A Course In Miracles (ACIM) and to a lesser extent the teachings of the Bible.
I have found each of these sources to be complete solutions, but have also become aware of a tendency in my mind to draw erroneous or hasty conclusions and thereby close down or constrict. By comparing truth as expressed through a number of clear way showers that seemed at times contradictory or even irreconcilable I would invariably be shown that they were saying exactly the same thing and my premature conclusions alone had caused them to seem otherwise. As soon as the error was exposed, the correction was given. In this way my mind has expanded from mere conceptual understanding of many of the teachings to direct revelatory experience leading to a deepened certainty of who I am and of who we all are.
I do not claim, by any means, to know the whole truth. This book is an exploration of various possibilities, hopefully clarifying what the choices are. I am willing to turn over every stone in a determination to restore each of God’s children to wholeness. Only when everyone is whole am I truly free. We are one organism; not billions of separate, autonomous individuals.
At the same time, we must each accept the truth for ourselves. Awakening requires your full participation and the brightness of your mind for your personal transformation. No one can do it for you. It was listening to ego that produced ignorance and bondage, so now we have to muster all our combined resources to pull ourselves out of the darkness into the light. United with God and each other, in a willingness to maximize our efforts, we will be victorious over sickness, suffering and death for all humanity.
Freedom lies in a willingness to be wrong about the conclusions your mind wants to draw from evidence gathered. When you need to be right, you bind yourself to defending a particular position. In that you restrict your freedom. I share here what I have discovered only to stimulate and inspire your own investigation. I have used the above-mentioned teachers as guides or springboards into my own inner exploration.
I am always asking, praying and yearning for only the truth, always willing to be wrong about my understandings. I have not embraced any of the above teachers’ teachings unless they resonated deep within my own heart. It had to become my own direct experience before I could adopt it. Your yearning for only the truth must be sufficient to reveal to you the profoundest, deepest, most elevated truths.
I have made over 25 trips to South India to be in the Divine aura of Sathya Sai Baba and have been received into His immediate presence for personal interviews on a number of occasions. Each such privilege has deepened my understanding of the truth. Everything Sai Baba has done in relation to me, whether in the interview room, in dreams, through an inner voice of guidance, or through events in my life directed by Him, has been transformative. I am convinced that He knows and loves each of us totally. I believe with my whole heart and soul that Sai Baba is God incarnate and that He has come onto the planet at this critical juncture to rescue man from imminent disaster.
Humanity is on a fast track toward total annihilation which can only be averted through Divine intervention and intercession. Why does God wait till such a crisis is at hand before making His appearance? Because that is apparently what it takes before we cry out in a true prayer from the depths of our hearts, asking for help. God honors us and will not go where He is not invited. He created us free and will not stand in the way of that freedom. He will wait until we ask for help. He respects our freedom and loves His children too much to be other than the most gracious, humble and unassuming host.
A Course In Miracles (ACIM) is a teaching authored by Jesus Christ and scribed by Helen Schucman in the mid-60’s. It offers Jesus’ explanation of what caused us to find ourselves in the experience of sickness, suffering and death when we were created to be whole, perfect and complete forever. I have studied its teachings since the early 90’s. In 1999, Sai Baba, through a dream, sent me a teacher. This teacher has greatly facilitated the deepening of my understanding of the truth of Jesus’ words. Because of his unrelenting divesting me of any and all stashes of untruth, he left me no choice but to give all my energy, focus and passion to truth. I am eternally grateful. Sai Baba says ACIM offers the purest non-dualistic teachings for the West.
I was raised in a Christian home, thus my first exposure to Spirit was through religion. My parents are righteous, hard-working, God-fearing, good-hearted people who gave everything to their children – their love, their lives, their truth and their religion. The Bible was read daily in those early formative years and I grew to love many of the God-suffused stories my father read at meal times, both from the Old and New Testaments. Later, for many years I rejected its teachings. Hearing Sai Baba refer to the Bible as Veda resurrected credibility in my mind. I now understand its allegories in a profound new light.
The ideas presented herein come from what I have understood to be true beyond belief. I have thoroughly investigated their authenticity on the sounding board of my deep yearning for only the truth. What I have uncovered seems reasonable to me. It may however not seem so to you. If not, don’t settle. Go for discovering truth within your own heart and mind. At the same time we are here for each other. We don’t all have to reinvent the wheel.
I am always searching, refining, and expanding, so it is possible that what seems good evidence for the truth today may change as a new insight brings deeper understanding. Mostly, I wish to inspire you to want to know the truth about yourself for yourself and to give no one power over you to discover it for you. Honor yourself. Be responsible for yourself. Know that you are all-powerful and that you have limitless capacity to know whatever you set your heart and mind to knowing.
There will be those who insist that truth cannot be known, that it is a mystery. That has never been my position. I have always felt I had the right to know and have had a firm determination to do whatever was necessary to find out everything. I demanded to know what I was told was unknowable. My constant prayer to God has been, “Please show me. I want to know. I’m willing to do anything for the truth. I’m willing to give everything for the truth.”
Many of the stories narrated here were first heard from talks given by Al Drucker, my cherished husband. It is with gratitude to him for his wonderful gift as a storyteller and teacher that I pass them along to you. I also share personal stories and experiences to help illustrate certain teachings as I have applied them toward my own understanding. My conclusions seem reasonable to me, though I have no need to be right. I only want the truth.
It is so easy to find ways to misinterpret and misapply the teachings if we are not 100% earnest and vigilant in wanting the truth above all else. That is so because we have allied with a slippery ego that wishes to stay alive, and truth and ego are mutually exclusive. Ego survives at our expense. We trade in our eternal life for ego’s existence. When we turn toward truth, ego feels threatened and tries to fool us into getting sidetracked in all kinds of dead ends and byways leading nowhere. That is why Sai Baba lovingly chides, “Practice Constant Integrated Awareness (CIA),” and “Always Be Careful (ABC).”
In the text I freely quote from all my teachers where helpful. Italicized quotes sprinkled richly throughout the text are from ACIM. I paraphrase or express ideas in my own words as they have taken on meaning and life for me though they may have originated elsewhere. There is nothing new under the sun. I do not claim to originate anything, yet I have my own particular expression and style. Truth is one and available to all.
I have written candidly about some personal experiences and also some stories that involved others who are close to me. In all my examples I never lose sight of the truth that everyone is innocent, pure and holy forever. I hope you will see my examples as the learning devices they are intended to be.
This offering expresses my passionate delving into the teachings to gain ever-deepening understandings. Sharing strengthens ideas. You are welcome to use any of this material in any way you feel may serve you and all beings everywhere. This book is dedicated to you dear friend and to the end of suffering for all humanity.
Dear Heavenly Father/Mother God, Let truth be restored to earth. Let there be peace, love, light, joy and plenty for all, as it was always meant to be. May ego be exposed as the imposter it has always been. May we witness a great awakening for all humanity. May we witness a grand shift from self-imposed slavery to boundless freedom for each of Your precious children. Inspire us to step into our roles in Your plan for the salvation of the world. Let heaven be restored to earth.
May all beings in all the worlds be happy and blest, Amen